At the time that you formalized your relationship, I am sure you had a fantasy of growing old together seeing your grandchildren born.
When you bought things I am sure you felt that you were contributing to the family building our future. Perhaps you suffered or sacrificed for it.
Divorcing means losing this dream, for many it also strips them of their role as parent. It is a loss, like a death- you lose your spouse, the family, maybe the kids. You lose the home, the financial future.
Many people think that they are happily married and then discover that their spouse wants a divorce or is being unfaithful. Some don’t agree that the marriage is ‘irretrievably broken down’.
The correct response to a divorce is the same as a response to a death:
Numbness shock and horror
Denial and disbelief
Anger and aggression
Bargaining begging and pleading
Depression
And perhaps finally acceptance.
If somebody close dies everybody understands: - you will get compassionate leave and your emotions will be tolerated.
If your family dies ,you lose your spouse, your home, and maybe kids. People may not be so sympathetic.
It is a time when support is needed.
It is a time when you need to take extra special care of yourself.
It is a time where you can quite easily get overwhelmed.
It is a risky dangerous time.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Coping With The News
Moving Out
Moving out needs to be handled really carefully if there are kids.
Try not to disappear like a thief in the night. Give the children ample and good warning.
Let the children see where you are moving to (they can be afraid you will be poor or lonely).
Better still, let them help you move.
Give them your phone number.
Have a room for them in your new place .
Hopefully, have a relationship with your ex where you can establish good contact with the kids.
Moving out is like a funeral service for the marriage. It is emotionally devastating for all of the parties. Treat it and your feelings respectfully.
Be with friends.
Plan an agenda for the nights and the weekends.
Loneliness can be crippling.
Expect your children to react emotionally, understand this is normal and do not punish them for their feelings.
Try not to disappear like a thief in the night. Give the children ample and good warning.
Let the children see where you are moving to (they can be afraid you will be poor or lonely).
Better still, let them help you move.
Give them your phone number.
Have a room for them in your new place .
Hopefully, have a relationship with your ex where you can establish good contact with the kids.
Moving out is like a funeral service for the marriage. It is emotionally devastating for all of the parties. Treat it and your feelings respectfully.
Be with friends.
Plan an agenda for the nights and the weekends.
Loneliness can be crippling.
Expect your children to react emotionally, understand this is normal and do not punish them for their feelings.
Setting Goals
Your first goal after a separation is to survive.
You need to maintain good relationships with the children.
Feed and clothe yourself.
Keep yourself healthy.
Keep your job.
Try and keep a working relationship with your spouse.
Find someone to talk to (a burden shared is a burden halved).
Divorce can be a devastating emotional blow your reactions can be very powerful and debilitating. Easy tasks may become impossible to do.
Take care of yourself.
Everything else can come later
You need to maintain good relationships with the children.
Feed and clothe yourself.
Keep yourself healthy.
Keep your job.
Try and keep a working relationship with your spouse.
Find someone to talk to (a burden shared is a burden halved).
Divorce can be a devastating emotional blow your reactions can be very powerful and debilitating. Easy tasks may become impossible to do.
Take care of yourself.
Everything else can come later
Successful Divorce
For many couples divorce or separation is not the end of anything. It is instead the beginning of a lifelong war of hate and destruction, causing endless pain to both parties and their families and costing thousands of dollars.
A divorce is the complex untangling of a life of sharing, everything has to be split, the finances the children the furniture the vehicles. The husband and wife obviously have two completely different realities at this point (otherwise they wouldn’t be divorcing), and any of these issues can cause a conflict.
The sad truth is that except for the wealthiest individuals everybody is going to be financially worse off you your spouse and the children.
The children will have to be managed and maintained for many years, they will bring the parents into contact.
To be truly over your marriage means to be able to see your ex as just another person, and to be able to relate amicably.
An unsuccessful divorce is one where two parties continue to be angry and fight, and cause pain to one another and to the children for decades after the event. Such couples should not have gotten divorced at all, because the divorce did not serve to resolve the conflict or achieve anything at all.
Getting a divorce might mean having to have mediation or separation counseling, it might mean having to get counseling to resolve the anger and bring peace.
A successful divorce means being able to enjoy a good working relationship with your ex and good relationships with your children, so you can share and continue to parent together.
A divorce is the complex untangling of a life of sharing, everything has to be split, the finances the children the furniture the vehicles. The husband and wife obviously have two completely different realities at this point (otherwise they wouldn’t be divorcing), and any of these issues can cause a conflict.
The sad truth is that except for the wealthiest individuals everybody is going to be financially worse off you your spouse and the children.
The children will have to be managed and maintained for many years, they will bring the parents into contact.
To be truly over your marriage means to be able to see your ex as just another person, and to be able to relate amicably.
An unsuccessful divorce is one where two parties continue to be angry and fight, and cause pain to one another and to the children for decades after the event. Such couples should not have gotten divorced at all, because the divorce did not serve to resolve the conflict or achieve anything at all.
Getting a divorce might mean having to have mediation or separation counseling, it might mean having to get counseling to resolve the anger and bring peace.
A successful divorce means being able to enjoy a good working relationship with your ex and good relationships with your children, so you can share and continue to parent together.
So Just Learned You Are Getting A Divorce
The next few days can change the course of your life.
If you have just heard about or started divorce proceedings. You are entering a critical phase of your life. How you manage the next contacts that you have with your spouse. Or their or your lawyer could determine the course of the rest of your life.
A divorce is a crisis- in many ways it is like a death.
It is a VERY emotional time. It is a time of grief and anger and many irrational emotions.
The combination of your emotions and your spouses emotions at this critical time is a tinder box it could burst into flame at any time, these flames can destroy you your spouse and your children, devastate you financially and completely ruin the rest of your lives.
This is a time for slow and careful action, it is a time for logical and measured behaviour.
UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS MOST PROBABLY THE TIME WHEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE ARE LEAST CAPABLE OF LOGICAL MEASURED THINKING.
It is also a time of maximum interference by well meaning others parents brothers and sisters lawyers there will be a chorus of different voices saying different things. Many of these things will just make you angrier and more upset.
You need to keep one thing in mind
WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY GOAL- HOW DO YOU WIN IN THIS SITUATION.
YES THE SITUATION IS BAD – POSSIBLY YOU ARE ANGRY AND HURT
MAYBE IT FEELS LIKE YOUR LIFE IS SHATTERED AND IN RUINS. BUT HOW DO YOU WIN FROM HERE.
Do you win by inflicting maximum pain on your spouse
Do you win by engaging in a costly legal battle and impoverishing your spouse.
Do you win by getting revenge
Do you win by stopping your spouse from seeing the children
As attractive as these options may seem right now your anger and pain will not help in this situation.
SURVIVAL NEEDS TO BE A PRIMARY INITIAL GOAL
YOU NEED TO KEEP IN MIND IF THERE ARE CHILDREN THAT YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE WILL NEED TO KEEP IN CONTACT AND WORK TOGETHER FOR MANY YEARS.
A successful divorce means a successful resolution of the marital problem. If you and your spouse divorce, but continue to argue and fight and hate each other for the next few decades you will have achieved nothing.
For many people a divorce is just another way of continuing the marital dispute. The things that they fight about in court are not rational or reasonable, they are still just trying to prove themselves right and their spouse wrong. This is a recipe for disaster.
A successful divorce is one where, there is a financially reasonable settlement, both parties have the right to a quality of life, and where this settlement is achieved by mutual agreement without costly legislation.
A successful divorce is one where the children feel safe to move from parent to parent. Do not feel disloyal in loving and caring for both parents, and are not caught between the parents.
A successful divorce is one where the spouses are able to separate and retain enough of a relationship to continue to share and enjoy the task of parenting and retain a friendly relationship.
The next act that you take can move you towards or away from these goals.
Achieving them is a complex task and each persons circumstance are different. The focus of this book is on managing yourself and your partner psychologically so that you can best achieve this.
Not all of the scenarious will exactly fit your circumstances, they should all provide some help in managing some aspects of the situation.
So you just learned you are getting a divorce
How did you hear.
Is this an amicable situation where you have both agreed to separate.
Have you just learned that your spouse was unfaithfull
Has your spouse done it again for the very last time.
Has violence been a pattern of the relationship.
Are you a long suffering spouse in a bad marriage who has just given up.
Have you been staying together for the sake of the kids.
Are you quite recently married
Have you been married a longtime.
If you have just heard about or started divorce proceedings. You are entering a critical phase of your life. How you manage the next contacts that you have with your spouse. Or their or your lawyer could determine the course of the rest of your life.
A divorce is a crisis- in many ways it is like a death.
It is a VERY emotional time. It is a time of grief and anger and many irrational emotions.
The combination of your emotions and your spouses emotions at this critical time is a tinder box it could burst into flame at any time, these flames can destroy you your spouse and your children, devastate you financially and completely ruin the rest of your lives.
This is a time for slow and careful action, it is a time for logical and measured behaviour.
UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS MOST PROBABLY THE TIME WHEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE ARE LEAST CAPABLE OF LOGICAL MEASURED THINKING.
It is also a time of maximum interference by well meaning others parents brothers and sisters lawyers there will be a chorus of different voices saying different things. Many of these things will just make you angrier and more upset.
You need to keep one thing in mind
WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY GOAL- HOW DO YOU WIN IN THIS SITUATION.
YES THE SITUATION IS BAD – POSSIBLY YOU ARE ANGRY AND HURT
MAYBE IT FEELS LIKE YOUR LIFE IS SHATTERED AND IN RUINS. BUT HOW DO YOU WIN FROM HERE.
Do you win by inflicting maximum pain on your spouse
Do you win by engaging in a costly legal battle and impoverishing your spouse.
Do you win by getting revenge
Do you win by stopping your spouse from seeing the children
As attractive as these options may seem right now your anger and pain will not help in this situation.
SURVIVAL NEEDS TO BE A PRIMARY INITIAL GOAL
YOU NEED TO KEEP IN MIND IF THERE ARE CHILDREN THAT YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE WILL NEED TO KEEP IN CONTACT AND WORK TOGETHER FOR MANY YEARS.
A successful divorce means a successful resolution of the marital problem. If you and your spouse divorce, but continue to argue and fight and hate each other for the next few decades you will have achieved nothing.
For many people a divorce is just another way of continuing the marital dispute. The things that they fight about in court are not rational or reasonable, they are still just trying to prove themselves right and their spouse wrong. This is a recipe for disaster.
A successful divorce is one where, there is a financially reasonable settlement, both parties have the right to a quality of life, and where this settlement is achieved by mutual agreement without costly legislation.
A successful divorce is one where the children feel safe to move from parent to parent. Do not feel disloyal in loving and caring for both parents, and are not caught between the parents.
A successful divorce is one where the spouses are able to separate and retain enough of a relationship to continue to share and enjoy the task of parenting and retain a friendly relationship.
The next act that you take can move you towards or away from these goals.
Achieving them is a complex task and each persons circumstance are different. The focus of this book is on managing yourself and your partner psychologically so that you can best achieve this.
Not all of the scenarious will exactly fit your circumstances, they should all provide some help in managing some aspects of the situation.
So you just learned you are getting a divorce
How did you hear.
Is this an amicable situation where you have both agreed to separate.
Have you just learned that your spouse was unfaithfull
Has your spouse done it again for the very last time.
Has violence been a pattern of the relationship.
Are you a long suffering spouse in a bad marriage who has just given up.
Have you been staying together for the sake of the kids.
Are you quite recently married
Have you been married a longtime.
Is Divorce What You Want?
Many couples caught up in a spiral of conflict paint themselves into a corner.
An argument will build up into a huge catastrophe and in an outburst of anger one party will leave or say:
“I want a divorce”
…….often the response is……..
“Well if you think you want a divorce, I want a divorce even more”.
Then although it is not in fact what either party really wants, anger and pride, and hostility, will cement the situation.
If the couple separates at this time it is often impossible for them to even communicate meaningfully about the subject, and all communication ends up in argument.
Parents and friends will begin to meddle and encourage further turmoil or hearing only one side of the story and desperate to help their son or daughter will become violently opposed to the continuation of the marriage.
This is a time for serious reflection and a considered response.
This is a time not to act in anger, and not to ‘cut off your nose to spite your own face’.
This is a time to sit with your spouse and evaluate your life and where you have been and what you want to do.
It is a time to seek professional marital counseling.
Not necessarily with the aim of fixing the marriage, but more with resolving the conflict so that perhaps you will reconcile, But if not that you separate as the consequence of a logical mutually agreed decision, and with the aim of having a successful divorce.
This is a decision you will live with for the rest of your life. Make it carefully.
An argument will build up into a huge catastrophe and in an outburst of anger one party will leave or say:
“I want a divorce”
…….often the response is……..
“Well if you think you want a divorce, I want a divorce even more”.
Then although it is not in fact what either party really wants, anger and pride, and hostility, will cement the situation.
If the couple separates at this time it is often impossible for them to even communicate meaningfully about the subject, and all communication ends up in argument.
Parents and friends will begin to meddle and encourage further turmoil or hearing only one side of the story and desperate to help their son or daughter will become violently opposed to the continuation of the marriage.
This is a time for serious reflection and a considered response.
This is a time not to act in anger, and not to ‘cut off your nose to spite your own face’.
This is a time to sit with your spouse and evaluate your life and where you have been and what you want to do.
It is a time to seek professional marital counseling.
Not necessarily with the aim of fixing the marriage, but more with resolving the conflict so that perhaps you will reconcile, But if not that you separate as the consequence of a logical mutually agreed decision, and with the aim of having a successful divorce.
This is a decision you will live with for the rest of your life. Make it carefully.
Lawyer Issues
You must have the right lawyer to have a successful divorce. Many people believe that any lawyer can and will protect them from the potential nightmare of family law litigation. In reality, the lawyer can become part of the nightmare instead. You owe it to yourself (and your children if there are any) to hire the best lawyer possible.
My first lawyer was a good man who had been highly recommended by a close friend. He was the right lawyer for what I call ‘the diplomatic approach’ to negotiating a settlement with the other side. And that was how he approached my case. He wrote to the opposing lawyer and explained that the matter did not warrant lengthy litigation and that both parties could end up with barely any money if the matter proceeded to court. The letter went on to propose that the parties attempt to negotiate a settlement and avoid the expense of litigation.
Unfortunately, there was no response to this proposal and my wife simply continued with court proceedings.
My divorce was a long and very bitter process made even worse by the involvement of extended family with their separate agendas. Much of the evidence presented had little or no relevance to the financial outcome. Despite my wife’s best attempts to make me the villain of the piece, she was no better off financially in the end because nearly all the proceeds that she was entitled to were spent on her legal fees. Confidentiality of the parties restricts publication of the full details of this story. Suffice to say, that after marathon hours in the family court I came to the conclusion that divorce is a business and that being in total control is all-important.
My first lawyer was a good man who had been highly recommended by a close friend. He was the right lawyer for what I call ‘the diplomatic approach’ to negotiating a settlement with the other side. And that was how he approached my case. He wrote to the opposing lawyer and explained that the matter did not warrant lengthy litigation and that both parties could end up with barely any money if the matter proceeded to court. The letter went on to propose that the parties attempt to negotiate a settlement and avoid the expense of litigation.
Unfortunately, there was no response to this proposal and my wife simply continued with court proceedings.
My divorce was a long and very bitter process made even worse by the involvement of extended family with their separate agendas. Much of the evidence presented had little or no relevance to the financial outcome. Despite my wife’s best attempts to make me the villain of the piece, she was no better off financially in the end because nearly all the proceeds that she was entitled to were spent on her legal fees. Confidentiality of the parties restricts publication of the full details of this story. Suffice to say, that after marathon hours in the family court I came to the conclusion that divorce is a business and that being in total control is all-important.
Dealing With Your Spouse
You can end conflict in any relationship. Love by itself is never enough to have a relationship work.
The divorce courts are full of people who love each other. If you want your relationship work, you need to make sure the other person feels loved. This is true whether you stay together or get a divorce. To the extent you have the experience of love in your relationship, your relationship will be supportive and relatively effortless. You create the experience of love by giving the gift of acceptance and appreciation.
You destroy it by being judgmental, critical and controlling. Notice how you feel when someone is non-accepting towards you. Notice how fast the experience of love disappears. Instantly, you get hurt. You get upset and close down. You put up your walls of protection and automatically become non-accepting and critical in return. Then the other person gets upset, puts up his or her walls of protection, and becomes even more non-accepting towards you.
Then you get even more upset. Your walls of protection get stronger and you become more critical of the other person. Then that person gets more upset and becomes more resentful of you. Then you become more hateful towards the other person. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of resisting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle of conflict then destroys your relationship and produces tremendous suffering. If you have any relationship that isn't working, this cycle is present. If you want to heal your relationship and end the conflict, you need to end this cycle.
Fortunately, all it takes is one person. The cycle of conflict is like a tennis volley. Two people are needed to keep the cycle going. Only one is needed to end it. When one person stops playing the game, the cycle is over. You stop playing the game when you give acceptance and appreciation instead of being critical and resentful.
You automaticaly make the shift from criticalness to acceptance when you let go of your resistance. You can do this by taking the following steps:
1. Find and heal the hurt that has been reactivated by the other person. Ultimately, the reason you are non- accepting is because the other person has triggered a suppressed hurt in you. As you heal this hurt, the need to resist disappears. You can then interact in a way that creates love instead of destroying it.
2. Give the person full permission to be the way he or she is. Notice that the other person is the way he or she is whether you like it or not. Your feelings are totally irrelevant. Hating the way someone is doesn't change a thing. That person is still exactly the way he or she is. When you fight the truth of how someone is, you fuel the cycle of conflict and you lose your ability to see what needs to be done. When you are at peace with the way someone is, you see your situation clearly.
You can see what needs to be done and you can do it in a way that is supportive.
The divorce courts are full of people who love each other. If you want your relationship work, you need to make sure the other person feels loved. This is true whether you stay together or get a divorce. To the extent you have the experience of love in your relationship, your relationship will be supportive and relatively effortless. You create the experience of love by giving the gift of acceptance and appreciation.
You destroy it by being judgmental, critical and controlling. Notice how you feel when someone is non-accepting towards you. Notice how fast the experience of love disappears. Instantly, you get hurt. You get upset and close down. You put up your walls of protection and automatically become non-accepting and critical in return. Then the other person gets upset, puts up his or her walls of protection, and becomes even more non-accepting towards you.
Then you get even more upset. Your walls of protection get stronger and you become more critical of the other person. Then that person gets more upset and becomes more resentful of you. Then you become more hateful towards the other person. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of resisting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle of conflict then destroys your relationship and produces tremendous suffering. If you have any relationship that isn't working, this cycle is present. If you want to heal your relationship and end the conflict, you need to end this cycle.
Fortunately, all it takes is one person. The cycle of conflict is like a tennis volley. Two people are needed to keep the cycle going. Only one is needed to end it. When one person stops playing the game, the cycle is over. You stop playing the game when you give acceptance and appreciation instead of being critical and resentful.
You automaticaly make the shift from criticalness to acceptance when you let go of your resistance. You can do this by taking the following steps:
1. Find and heal the hurt that has been reactivated by the other person. Ultimately, the reason you are non- accepting is because the other person has triggered a suppressed hurt in you. As you heal this hurt, the need to resist disappears. You can then interact in a way that creates love instead of destroying it.
2. Give the person full permission to be the way he or she is. Notice that the other person is the way he or she is whether you like it or not. Your feelings are totally irrelevant. Hating the way someone is doesn't change a thing. That person is still exactly the way he or she is. When you fight the truth of how someone is, you fuel the cycle of conflict and you lose your ability to see what needs to be done. When you are at peace with the way someone is, you see your situation clearly.
You can see what needs to be done and you can do it in a way that is supportive.
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